Your life means something, and so does your death. In some ways, your send-off is the final wave as the ship pulls away from its port of call. It’s the closing curtain. It’s the last bow for your audience. And you can make it your own. In doing so, you might want to consider something special, non-traditional, or completely wild. A friend who is currently at the end of her life with lung cancer told me she wants to rig up a system that would pop her dead body up and the song “Pop Goes the Weasel” plays to entertain her funeral audience. I belly laughed. That’s pretty creative.
If you want something creative for that final snapshot (I see a reality TV show in my mind– a funeral competition for the most creative send-off ever) you’ll need to plan ahead. If you want a party with all your friends and family members roasting you, if you want your remains to become part of a coral reef or be made into tattoo ink, you’ll need to arrange that. I’ve had so many ideas about my own send-off that I’m still trying to decide. Do I want a dance party? Do I want a roasting? Do I want all the above? Yes. I want people to talk about how my funeral was a combination of tears and laughter, fun and love. Why? Because that is who I am as a person and my death isn’t the end of my story, it’s just the end of my body.
Consider the most important elements of your life story and think about how to funnel those into your end-of-life planning. It will be that much more meaningful to your loved ones, and for those who show up to pay their respects who didn’t know you well, they will leave your memorial with a lasting impression of who you were. Do you love Halloween? Have everyone dress up in costume and hand out candy. Do you love Prince? Play the Purple Rain album on a loop and have everyone dress in purple. The options are endless. Put the memorable into the memorial. How many funerals do you remember going to and thinking, now this looks like every other funeral I’ve been to? Yeah, me too.
Not Religious? Me Neither.
Another case for pre-arranging your end-of-life and death care: you don’t identify as Christian. Today’s funeral industry remains largely aligned with the Christian faith, yet, according to Pew Center’s Religious Landscape Study, the U.S. population is becoming increasingly non-religious.
Many funeral home ads and websites state they will provide any kind of service and they will collaborate with you and your loved ones to meet your needs. However, it is less clear whether this is true if your final wishes veer from the standard memorial and body disposition template. What’s more, is the iconography often displayed inside a funeral home is overwhelmingly Christian, sending a message that Christian funerals are their main gig.
My colleague and friend, Tee Rogers, a pre-arrangement specialist and expert in secular, Humanist, spiritual, and non-Christian funerals has a non-profit in Florida to help people find resources outside of the traditional religious funeral package. Her website Identity-Affirming Deathcare Planning Resources offers these scenarios for thought:
Why Identity-Affirming Planning Resources?
They sat by their loved one’s hospital bed, saying a final goodbye. A chaplain kept coming in the room and asking to pray with them. They were frustrated and annoyed, and no matter how many times they said “no thank you”, the religious people kept coming back. They asked for a Humanist Chaplain but were told “we don’t know what Humanist is but the hospital clergy serves everyone”. The grief of their loved one dying next to them was now compounded by a resurgence of the trauma of their estrangement from loved ones because of leaving the family religion.
In a blur of grief, he walked in to talk to the funeral director about celebrating the life of his husband. He was told they had to “tone down the gay” to have the service there.
What if you could have a story more like this:
The couple sat with thier funeral pre-planning advisor to make plans for their future. They asked about natural burial and Wiccan funeral options. The Advisor said, “When planning for the Summerland transition, we have travel plans to natural burial sites such as (cites closest locations). Here at the funeral home we can arrange features like a labrynth and natural decor for the service in our venue, where trained professionals can be there to support your loved ones and your Priestess. When preparing the body, we have protocols for natural care and several natural casket options. Tell me what is important to you so we can look at options that are meaningful for you…”
A couple wanted to pre-plan with a funeral home but weren’t sure how they would be treated. They didn’t want to have the stress of coming out on top of the stress of talking about death and dying. They contacted the IADD team who connected them to an affirming provider near them so they could feel comfortable being open about their relationship.
Will your providers know and respect your identity? Will your loved ones know what you want and be able to honor your wishes?
It is important that your estate planning, hospice and hospital, funeral and cemetery, Doulas, and other end-of-life providers understand your identity-related concerns and can provide professional, affirming, welcoming, and informative service to you and your family.
The best way to ensure identity-affirming deathcare is to pre-plan it; make sure your wishes are written down and you find providers that have the knowledge and openness to honor YOU.
In my last post, I mentioned that state funeral statutes are different in all 50 states. Let’s say you’re someone who would like something different than a traditional funeral service, even if you are a Christian. You don’t want to have a memorial at a funeral home with mauve curtains, beige carpet (no offense, funeral homes, but there is some modernization needed), an expensive casket, with a line of people waiting to tell you how good your restoration looks. Sure, you could go for a direct cremation, but your family tells you they want to say goodbye properly. You might not even care if you’re in the “funerals are for the ones left behind, I’ll be dead, so whatever” camp. But still, something has to be done with your body and your remains. Do you want that burden to fall on your family?
The takeaway is if you’re good at being you in life, be you in death. Jokes, roasts, toasts (booze), karaoke, butt-shaking, love-makin’ (okay, I’m getting carried away)…it’s all up for grabs. So, make your death care plan now, and brag about it. I’m not in any way suggesting you’ll be bragging about dying, but you’ll be suggesting you intended to die well, your way.
